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| due to unfortunate circumstances, i've had to make a new xanga.
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=like_omg_its_megan
i'm not sure if i'm going to make the posts protected yet, but if your on my subscription list, then your on my protected list. not that anyone cares, just thought i'd let you know. theres deffinately a world of ppl i dont want reading my xanga, and i made a huge mistake that now i have to fix and that completely sucks. ok not really. but yeah. i'm going there to update on the last few days. all i have to say is, its been a blast!!!! | | |
| hey ppl
thanks for the nice comments. i'll comment back to y'all when i get home.
as for now, since i have time and i'm bored, i'll update on my life for what seems to be 100 years, but only 3 or 2? days. i'm not sure.
thursday obviously was probly the worst day ever, for reasons i cant get into. but i came over here, aka harley and twilas house to help housesit. not sure how much help i am. all i've "helped" with so far, has been, lets see, picking up Bernie, the bird, after he flew from his cage and landed on the floor. he climbed up to my shoulder and then played with my hair. it freaked me out, only cuz i thought he was gonna bite me. He can whistle the song from the andy griffeth show. its freakin hilarious. anyway we ended up watching t.v. while in bed, and that was interesting. I watched "the anatomy of sex" which wow..taught me more than i ever ever thought possible. then some urban legend show...basically i watched t.v. so much i ended up not going to bed till 3. then i was up sick at 6.
Friday i spent the majority of the morning resting on a heating pad and taking pills and watching stupid stuff on t.v. Then jami , adam and Ben came over. that was cute. Ben was trying to roll over on the carpet. he smiled at me a few times, and spit. hes sooo cute. hes a baby in case your wondering. lol.
saturday, today i guess, well, adam came over. we played the mafia game on the computer for a couple hours. we messed around with scampi, the cat. and then we went back to our house to see my aunt and uncle from georgia and there dog sam. that was fun. i was gonna stay home, but the minute i got back to my house i went right back to depression mode. now i find it wierd that when i'm home i'm sad, and when i'm at someone elses house i'm completely fine and really happy. hmmmm. On the way home i had to stop and get a hair dryer, which reminds me i got my hair cut. i got it layered. i really like it. we walked into rite aid and some man was yelling at one of the cashiers. pretty freaky. wat a retard.
on the way home, well here lol, my sis and me got to talking. i was saying how basically telling on my dad, made all the abuse real. so i think if i had never said a word to anyone i would be normal today, at least more normal than i am now. she said how even if he had never touched us again and we were fine, so to speak, he could still hurt other girls, so its a good thing. at that moment i knew how true it was. he could hurt the other girls in the neighborhood. i strongly believe if anyone has to be hurt, i'll take it, just so no more girls get hurt by him. its better for one person to suffer forever than more than one. even tho i hate it and i dont want to, i'd rather be the one suffering than anyone else. i'm selfish about everything. i realized that too. i could wish forever i could go back and keep the secret, but many girls would've gotten hurt.
anyway i'm not gonna think about that anymore. it just brings me to tears cuz i cant do anything. anyway this is long enough. tomorrow is church and graduation, so i'll be going to that. now i really need to respond to many emails. lakdjlgjaglkdjgj
leave me more comments, they really do make me happy!! | | |
| well, i'm going away for a few days. not really away away, but stil away, enough for me to maybe relax and think about things.
if ya'll love me, you can leave wonderful happy comments for me to come back to.. i'd like that!
i'm outta here  | | |
| Its been a while......
last friday, i went out to eat with my family and we had a really hot waiter.
saturday we did yard work. the best part was cleaning all the chairs
for the picnic table. not washing them, just getting sprayed with
the hose by steph. we also unfortuanatly had to put all the twigs
from our back and front yards in twine. that was a pain in the rear.
today, i did nothing. only cuz it rained all day. everyone came
over to help my mom do something in the basement. they
stunk. i dont know what they were doing, but by the end of
watever it was, they smelled really bad.
me and my gramma had to go pick up my senior pictures. i didnt even
want to go. but she forced me into it. so i left the house in
mismatching clothes and unbrushed hair.
this week, and next week, are really busy weeks. i'm not sure if
i like that. i'm dreading a whole lot. First i'm spending a
couple days over at harley and twilas, since steph is house
sitting. Then i'm going to graduation on sunday. seeing all
these school and church ppl again, should be quite an experience.
Then monday is my open house. so far only 4 familys are coming
lol. my aunt and uncle from georgia are coming up. and my
26 year old cousin is bring her 36 year old new boyfriend. should
be interesting. hopefully its fun.
so far both my sister and my mom have gotten jobs. and where does
that leave me? at home...by myself, all summer, bored and
broke. is there anything more depressing? i need to
get out of michigan. i'm soo serious. i just wanna leave and get my own
apartment and get cats..and not have to work and just take a while to
figure out my life. dang, i wish that could really happen.
in my dreams.
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| there were many reasons why i was bummed yesterday. now that its a
day later, i'll elaborate on why since ppl are wondering..well just
one, but watever.
so basically yesterday was a really good day. but then right
before i went to take my drugs, i realized i only have 15 pills, and
its more than 15 days till i see my doctor again, so i wont have
medicine to take for 5 days. it seems to me like a complete loss.
it takes two weeks to work as is, and now i have to start over again
after june 2. Not only that, but i cant swallow pills. I
have to crush them. sometimes i dont feel like i'm getting the
entire pill and she put me on the lowest dosage possible, so i started
crying about that. i feel no change. it says this is supposed to
make me more sociable, and have less panic attacks, but i'm not more
sociable and i've had 3 panic attacks already while on this, and i've
only been on it a lil over a week i think. my mom wont call the
stupid therapist and i sure as heck dont want to..but i wish she
would. its my last option to have someone to talk to and even tho
i'll think i'm even more crazy going to a shrink, its better to talk to
one than have no one to talk to. all of this is just driving me
crazy. just talking about this now is making me feel like crying. and
once i start crying it all goes downhill.
then last night, i couldnt sleep, becuz after i took half of a pill i
ended up cryign and having a panic attack, go figure. then i got
really hott all night, kept tossing and turning, was up at 4 changing
my shirt cuz it was soo freakin hott. but then it really doesnt
matter if i get sleep or not, cuz for the last 3 days all i've done is
watch t.v. i've watched so much tv, its making me sick. its
like i have to do that and read 24/7 becuz it takes my mind off of
everything and i like escaping into a different world...as stupid as
that may sound.
also for the last couple days, i, again, have felt like his hand is
down my pants. as gross and hard as it is to say..i just need to. its
the truth. i feel really disgusting, i feel like garbage and then
i remember things he said and all sorts of crap like that,
and...idk. i just feel like he still has all control over me. why
cant i let this go..why cant it just go away, why is this so hard...why
do i still feel this way..why cant someone do something. i'm sick of
trying to fix everything, i wish someone could just fix me. i'm sick of
trying to be strong, cuz obviously i'm not. i'm sick of beign
pressured to be strong through all of this. its been years and i
still cant get in control of my mind or my body and i hate it. it
sucks. i feel like a loser. i feel like dirt. how can i get
over it when i liiterally feel like hes still hurting me? i just dont
get any of this...i really dont want to.
i just want my life back....
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